The New Kid
by Kate The Cactus
Summary: A new kid arrives at school and he's anything but normal. Kyle, who once again feels bad for a kid without friends decides to hang out with him. Very soon after he does, he realizes this kid is a nuisance (and a kinda terrifying) friend. Stan tries to help out, but things get out of hand very quickly. (Random oneshot based on a video I made a year ago XD)


It was an average day at South Park elementary. The kids were dismissed to recess soon after lunch. Kenny and Craig stood near the building.

"Mmmmmph mmnm mmph mphm mmmphm mmfmmnm" Kenny explained.

"...I have no idea what your saying..." Craig replied.

"You guys! You guys!" Clyde was running over to them. He put his hands on his knees to catch his breath.

"Clyde? What do you want?" Craig asked.

After he caught his breath again, he explained. "There's a new kid at school today. They're a whole new kind of unique!"

"...So?" Craig responded dully.

"Mmmph mm mmmn?" Kenny asked enthusiastically.

"No she's not hot you retard!" Clyde answered in annoyance.

"She?" Craig tilted his head to the side.

"I don't know what they are... Oh you know what, just follow me!" Clyde turned around and took off towards the field. Craig and Kenny glanced at each other and shrugged. They slowly followed Clyde. After about a minute, they finally caught up with him. Stan and Kyle were standing there too, both staring. "Okay...Is they still there?" Clyde asked.

"I think he's foreign..." Kyle stated.

Stan looked over at him. "Well no shit Sherlock."

"Is he Canadian?" Craig asked.

"No, my brother is Canadian. That's not Canadian at all." Kyle then pointed over to the person. He had very large eyes that were as far apart as they could possibly be without them physically falling of his face. He almost had a natural duck face. His head was more oval shaped then anybody else's faces. His clothes didn't make things any better, He wore a gold button-up shirt with a yellow bow tie along with a pair of yellow pants. His hair a a dull purplish, almost maroon. The kid looked around the playground with a grin

Craig cringed at the sight. "Wow... I see what you mean..."

"What did I tell you?" Clyde whispered in response.

"What's his name?" Kyle asked.

"How the hell should I know?" Clyde replied, a bit louder than before.

The kids were silent for a few moments, before Kyle spoke up again. "Kenny, go talk to him."

"(What?! Why me?)" Kenny questioned in defiance.

"Um... because I nominated you" Kyle replied, quickly coming up with an excuse. " _I'm_ not going over there."

Kenny let out a long sigh, "(Alright fine...)" He grumbled angrily, wandering over to the new kid hesitantly. He approached him from behind. Kenny really didn't feel like touching this one, so he grabbed a small stick on the ground. He quickly poked him. The kid turned around and Kenny dropped the stick. "(Hello... um...)."

The new kid took a deep breath. "Isn't nature wonderful?" His voice was deep and demonic. It made Kenny jump back a bit. "My name is Alfalfa Louis Mandrian. How about you?"

"(...Kenny?)"

"Kenny, what beautiful name. Want to be my friend?"

"(Nonononono)" Kenny exclaimed as he turned and dashed back to the others.

Upon arriving, Kyle asked, "Well? What did he say?"

Kenny tried to catch his breath, his voice was a jumble of muffled words as he retold the recent event.

When Kenny reveled the kid's name, Craig shook his head. "Man, what kind of drugs were those kid's parents on?"

After yet another minute of staring at the new kid, Kyle whispered, "Dude, we should bail..."

"Agreed" Stan nodded as he turned around. Before any of the got a chance to leave, Cartman showed up with his usual smirk on his face.

"Hey gaywads, what's up?" He laughed as he pushed his way up front. His smile disappeared and his eyes widened when he caught sight of the person of interest. "WOAHHO HOLY SHIT" He exclaimed, stepping backwards. "What is that thing?!"

Stan walked back over. "That's Alfalfa, or whatever the hell his name is... He's the new student" he explained with a sigh.

Cartman still stood there, starring. "Are you sure he's a person?" He whispered over to Kenny. He shrugged in response.

"He just stands there... all menacingly..." Clyde mumbled.

"Oh no..." Kyle gasped. "I think I'm starting to...feel bad for it..."

Everybody stared in horror at his comment. "Kahl, don't you dare" Cartman said.

"I'm sorry you guys" Kyle sighed in defeat. "It's just something is telling me to go be friends with him." As he walked off, he added, "It's the nice thing to do."

"Kyle you piece of shit!" Cartman yelled.

"Well we lost him" Craig said while walking in the opposite direction while Kenny and Clyde glanced at each other in uncertainty.

.~.~.~

"So anyways I'm from Pathakatau. That Japanese for flowers and rain. But it's a desert." Alfalfa chatted away as he and Kyle walked down the hallway. Kyle dragged behind him as he stared at the ground. He wasn't listening, but he gave the occasional nod as they walked. "I was once an all time champion for cactus eating. I have lots of medals," Alfalfa's deep voice continued.

As they walked, Cartman laughed as he passed them. "Well well well, it looks like Jew and Derpface are getting along well as friends."

"Uh huh..." Kyle sighed, still starring at his feet.

"Hello fat one" Alfalfa greeted with a smile. "My name is Alfalfa Louis Mandrian. I have made friends with Kyle Broflovski. He is my friend."

Cartman stiffled a laugh. "Oh well, good for you. I'll see you around gaywads," he turned around and walked back down the hallway with his regular cackling laugh.

"Well he seems nice" Alfalfa commented.

Kyle rolled his eyes. Suddenly, he heard the sound of his phone ringing. His face lit up hopefully. He didn't care who was calling, he just needed an excuse to get away. He answered his phone. "Hello?...What?! There was an avalanche in my backyard? Okay I'll be right there!" He hung up and looked over to Alfalfa. "Sorry that was my um...girlfriend... You know how they are... bye" Kyle explained, quickly making up an excuse. He turned to run off, but before he did, Alfalfa said,

"Okay, see you later Kylie Bro"

Kyle stopped in his tracks and turned around. "Did you just give me a nickname?"

"Yes"

"Jesus..." He mumbled under his breath. Walking down the hallway with a quickened pace, Kyle eventually found Stan standing by the lockers.

He looked up when he saw his friend approaching. "Good, you're here" Stan said. "What's up man, why are hanging out with that new kid?"

"I have no clue..." Kyle replied with a sigh. "But I regret it."

"Well, you remember what happened the last time you made friends with someone who had 0 friends. You and I both know we don't want that to happen again."

Kyle gasped in realization. "Oh that reminds me. Can you water-"

"No"

"But Stan"

"I said no"

Kyle groaned. "Alright 'smart guy', what's your plan then?"

Stan shrugged. "Just ditch him."

"Well, that doesn't seem very humane though..."

Stan looked at the ground in thought. It was obvious that Kyle wouldn't just ditch a person that easily. He was too nice for that. But there was someone who was even nicer. "I have an idea" Stan announced, quickly running through the halls. Kyle followed behind him in confusion. After turning a few corners, Stan pointed. "There." He ran up behind a person and tapped their shoulder. "Hey Butters."

The blonde fourth-grader turned around with a smile. "Oh hey fellas!"

Kyle narrowed his eyes, then nodded in realization when he figured out Stan's plan.

"So Butters, there's this new kid and he's very sad," Stan began. "He has no friends. You should go talk to him."

Butters frowned. "No friends? Gee, that's not very nice. I'll go see if I can find him" he said before walking off.

"There, problem solved. Now, who's your best friend?" Stan grinned and pointed to himself.

Kyle looked up and thought for a moment. "Wait, won't he still think he's _my_ friend, despite Butters being his friend too?"

Stan frowned and looked back down. After a minute of silence, he looked up and snapped his fingers. "I've got it! All we need to do is fake your death."

"Excuse me?"

"If we don't he'll just keep bothering you. Plus, he doesn't seem very bright, he'll get over it in a few days. Plus you can just say you're a ghost if he sees you."

"One, that makes no sense" Kyle sighed, shaking his head. "Two, don't you think that's a little excessive?"

"...No"

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Alright fine, but this had better work."

"That's the spirit!" Stan encouraged. "Come on, I have a plan."

.~.~.~

"So anyways I'm from Pathakatau. That Japanese for flowers and rain," Alfalfa stood by the lockers with Butters, talking about his life in his deep, demonic voice.

"That's nice!" Butters commented with a smile.

As they were talking, Stan ran up to them. "You guys! It's awful!" He said in mock grief. "Kyle's dead!"

Both of them gasped. Stan led them down the hall where sure enough, Kyle was laying there. A plastic knife was sloppily placed between his arm and side and "blood" was spread on the floor. Kyle laid motionless with his eyes closed.

Butters stood back, his hands covered his mouth in shock. "No! Kyle can't be dead!"

"Mmhmm" Stan replied while kicking a bottle of ketchup aside. "I checked."

Alfalfa walked forward and stood over Kyle. He cried, "My best friend! Gone!"

"Oh hamburgers..." Butters mumbled, knocking his fists together.

"Someone...is going to pay for this..." Alfalfa's voice became slightly more demonic.

Stan and Butters jumped back a bit. "Woah wait a minute dude, there's no need to act out so aggressively..." Stan said quietly.

"Speak for yourself!" Alfalfa pointed at him in anger. "I'm going to find the person who did this and murder them brutally! An eye for an eye in my values."

"Jesus Christ man! Calm down!" Stan yelled in fear.

"UUIUIIGIIDIIIZKKZGXTTDGJODKJDJXXXXXW" Alfalfa shouted and turned around. He grabbed a mace from his locker before bolting down the hallway.

The boys were silent. Butters blinked in terror and looked at Stan. Stan returned the terrified look. "Dude... What the fuck" Stan muttered.

Kyle sat up and glanced over his shoulder, then back at Stan and Butters. "Um... That wasn't part of the plan, was it?"

.~.~.~

Kenny had finished grabbing the stuff in his locker and proceeded down the hallway. He turned around when he heard fast footsteps approaching.

"Kenny... Did you kill Kyle?!" Alfalfa demanded.

"(What? No of course not!)" Kenny's muffled voice replied in confusion.

"I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!" Alfalfa screeched in anger. He lifted his arm and swiftly swung it downwards, smashing his mace into Kenny's head repetitively. After awhile, he stomped back down the hallway. Moments later, Kyle, Stan, and Butters arrived.

"Oh my God! He killed Kenny!" Stan yelled.

"You bastard!" Kyle pointed angrily as he ran away.

"Oh hamburgers! Not Kenny too!" Butters whimpered.

"We need to stop him before he kills anyone else" Stan decided, and the trio bolted after him. As they ran, Kyle spotted Alfalfa heading into the cafeteria, where everybody was eating lunch. The three of them stopped near the entrance.

"LOOK OUT! HE'S GOING TO KILL EVERYONE!" Kyle shouted into the cafeteria.

All of the kids looked up in confusion as Alfalfa stormed in. He stopped and turned to the others sitting at the tables. "WHO KILLED MY FRIEND?" Alfalfa demanded.

"GAH! Not me!" Tweek gasped in terror.

"Every man for himself!" Token exclaimed as he ran out of the cafeteria. Most of the other boys followed behind him.

"AHHAHHAHHAHHHAHHH" Alfalfa screamed letters out and ran out of the cafeteria and towards the library.

The girls were all sitting at there table, watching in utter confusion. Bebe looked over at Wendy. "The hell just happened?" she questioned.

.~.~.~

"Ugh... This is so stupid. Who cares if her one-legged boyfriend is dead? Why do girls cry over these books?" Cartman was sitting down, skimming through a popular teen novel. He closed the book and set it back on the shelf.

"Kyle has told me a lot about you, fat one..." A deep voice sounded from behind him. "He says you do not like him... Does that mean _you_ killed him?"

Cartman turned around with narrowed eyes. "Ugh... What do you want, Derpface?" When Alfalfa mumbled something inaudible, Cartman sighed in aggravation. "What do you want!?" He asked again.

"REVENGE" Alfalfa growled loudly in response, his eyes were blazing a deep red.

Cartman starred at him for awhile, before he bust into laughter. Alfalfa growled again and he stopped laughing. "Oh wait... You're serious?...Let me laugh harder," and he proceeded to do so.

"Laugh all you want, but it will be me who gets the last laugh..." Alfalfa said in a deep voice, slowly raising his mace, though Cartman didn't seem to notice.

"DUDE! CHILL OUT! KYLE IS ALIVE!" Stan shouted as he ran into the library, ignoring the many "Shhhs" he got.

Alfalfa turned around with a grin, his eyes returning to their normal color. "Hurray! Kyle! My friend!"

Kyle ran over. "Dude...you're a psycho..." the red head stopped momentarily to catch his breath. "You killed a person and threatened to kill several others. Get your ass out of here!"

Alfalfa frowned and tilted his head to the side. "Aww... But Kyle."

"Dude, seriously, go away," Kyle replied flatly.

"Wah"

Suddenly, there was a loud crash coming from the ceiling. The boys all looked up as a giant woman in a pink dress crashed through the roof, landing on her feet behind Cartman. They all starred up with wide eyes. "Alfalfa Louis, time to go," She said sweetly.

"Okay mother" He said, turning towards her. The giant opened her mouth, causing a beam of light to engulf him. Several moments later, the beam returned, taking Alfalfa with it. The woman jumped up and flew right back out the hole in the ceiling. As she soared into the sky, the broken roof pieces flew back up and reassembled, fixing the hole like nothing ever happened.

The boys starred at each other in terror with equal, puzzled looks. They stayed silent, trying to piece together what they just saw.

Cartman was the only one to speak after awhile. "Dude, what the fuck just happened?"

.~.~.~

 **A/N: This entire train wreck was based off of an 8 minute long GoAnimate I made a year ago. I found it and thought I should make it into a fanfiction for anybody who feels like reading it. Thanks for reading I guess XD And I'm sorry I did this.**

 **~KTCK**


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